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Warning: Maudlin ramblings ahead...

death maiden
I can see in my head what I want things to be. The things I need to do.  The mind is willing, but the body does not comply. How do I get my mental motivation to  translate into action? I am really overwhelmed by the sheer volume of stuff I need to deal with. All the material possessions and crap that have built up over time.  Things I am hanging onto for no good reason. How do I separate myself  from this form of addiction? I am on the precipice again, this time with my entire living space as the battleground. I do not like where I am right now. That doesn't necessarily mean my apartment, although there's certainly enough wrong with it. It means why do I allow myself to permit this outcome? I've gotten really good at "not seeing" what's around me just to maintain sanity day to day. I just look around and I get tired.

On the other hand, I am trying to meet new people in the hopes that I might actually find a person to spend significant time with.  I'm tired of being alone.  I have so many good friends, but they're not here with me in the middle of the night when I need comfort.  That said, I do have add incentive to get my collective shit together and out the goddammed door! Maybe if I clean out some of the crap, I'll find myself! I lost her a while ago. It would be nice to see her again.

Trying to find oneself is extra hard when you're single parenting as well.  I'm constantly dividing my time and I do not get an equal share. And yet I feel selfish if I want more time for myself. It's hard to know what my real priorities are in life, outside the obvious ones (i.e., maintain my job, raise my son to be a good and functional person). What are MY priorities? Where do I fit into my life? How do I acknowledge my divine self? Am I worthy of my own expectations? Why would I question that?  How fucked up am I that I could ask such a question? Seek seek seek... I'm lost in the chaos of my own life, running on auto pilot.  I feel like a stranger to myself. I'm not sure I ever knew who I was in the first place. I've been too busy NOT living my parent's lives that I forgot to actually live mine. And now I don't have a choice.  I have to be this "mom" person to a beautiful and promising young man who deserves everything, most of all my full attention and devotion. Am I selfish to want my own life after all? Something inside me is broken and I don't know how to fix it.

Gawd, PMS sucks! It makes me so fucking maudlin and weepy! Enough of this for now.

In my head

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I am responsible for my actions.
I am directly affected by my choices.
I choose to act in a responsible and healthy way.

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What what?

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Wow. I didn't realize how long it had been since I was on here. Too much to update, but life has continued in it's usual fashion, I am still here and have plans to continue in that vein. I am hoping that 2011 proves healthier and more productive for me and that the world pulls its collective head out of its collective ass.

Memeage

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Thanks  magickalmolly !

Today...

Outside my window... Dark. It's night. It's also cloudy and cold.

I am thinking... When a certain someone is every going to call me. Why do I always have to be first?

I am thankful for... My understanding family who try so hard to keep me on the right path.

From the kitchen... The annoying reminder that I need to do dishes. Pizza should be here soon...

I am wearing... Work clothes: brown slacks, brown socks and shoes, red crinkle shirt with open floral embroidery, my glasses.

I am creating... Lots of ideas.

I am going... to a party on Saturday night!

I'm reading... "A Lion Among Men" by Gregory Maguire, volume 3 in the Wicked Years. This one's about the Cowardly Lion. I'm not very far into it yet.

I am hoping... I can unbury my living space so I can actually "live" here.

I am hearing... Violet meowing at the door and Vaughn reading Calvin & Hobbes out loud.

Around the house... Really? Do you really want me to go there?

One of my favorite things... MUSIC!

A few plans for the rest of the week... Pay the rent, pay a few bills, go to a party, maybe go to a movie?

A picture to share...



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Writer's Block: As the Cookie Crumbles

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If you ran the fortune cookie factory, what message would you make sure gets put in a cookie?

First question listed was submitted by 123ekaterina. (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)

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"You are not the center of the Universe."

Writer's Block: As the Cookie Crumbles

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If you ran the fortune cookie factory, what message would you make sure gets put in a cookie?

First question listed was submitted by 123ekaterina. (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)

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"Don't cook bacon naked."

Writer's Block: I May Be Crazy

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What does this Rorschach blot look like to you?

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A wolf, or a goblin with bat ears.

Picture Memeage

Yatta Hiro
Thanks magickalmolly !

+ Post ten of any pictures currently on your hard drive that you think are self-expressive.
+ NO CAPTIONS!!! It must be like we're speaking with images and we have to interpret your visual language just like we have to interpret your words.
+ They must ALREADY be on your hard drive - no googling or flickr! They have to have been saved to your folders sometime in the past. They must be something you've saved there because it resonated with you for some reason.
+ You do NOT have to answer any questions about any of your pictures if you don't want to. You can make them as mysterious as you like. Or you can explain them away as much as you like.


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10.


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Running up that hill...

dynofooey
Today I was invited to participate in "Race to the Top of Vermont." This is one of those race/walk/bike things to raise money for good causes. This one will benefit the "Everybody Wins" mentoring program to help kids in elementary school become better readers. Vaughn participated in this program last year and the results were ... I just have no words. He's a Read-demon now! He reads everything, and if he has trouble with a word, he at least tries to figure it out before he spells it out for me to help him with. This is definitely a program I want to support in any way I can. The course is 4.3 miles *up* Mt. Mansfield. Here's the blurb from the website:

The Course: The course is 4.3 miles long and climbs 2,550 vertical feet to the summit parking lot of the Mt. Mansfield Toll Road. The racecourse starts on pavement for .3 miles before changing to gravel for 4 miles. Racers will experience a steady incline throughout the course with a 10-degree maximum pitch. Participants will be rewarded with one of the most spectacular views in the east overlooking three states and Canada.

Can I do it? I don't know. I've only ever climbed up one other mountain for the purpose of making it to the top and that was 2 years ago in my Wildlife Ecology class. That hike was 4.4 miles round trip and 1,340 feet elevation. Mt. Mansfield is the highest mountain in Vermont. I will be a non-competing walker so I can take my time. My only real concern right now is proper shoes and personal conditioning. My body can be so unpredictable. Some days I feel like I can "take on the world" to quote the vernacular. Other days, I feel like my grandmother and would rather not get out of bed, let alone do anything other than sit in a comfortable chair. We shall see. I intend to do this thing. The only question is how well.

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Writer's Block: When I Was Young

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What do you miss most about being a kid?

First question listed was submitted by daeinleyof. (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)

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Summer vacations to places without knowing about how it happens or how much it costs.

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kayejazz
kayejazz

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